ePiKk FaLe
by myfavoriteloser
Summary: "Because Pig," I said calmly, "I accidentally told Uchiha Sasuke, AKA my BOSS that I think he's gay to his face and now he's out to reap my immortal soul." "...Yeah, I get THAT part, but why do you have to hide out in MY house?"
1. A Fail of Epic Proportions

_**FINALLY!**_

_**A story that I should be able to stick to! XD**_

_**I decided to try a little humor since I write a lot of depressing stuff. =O**_

_**ANYWAY, this is gonna be one of those classic Sasuke is boss Sakura is worker type stories buuuuut I'm gonna try and make it enjoyable enough to read that you don't care! =D**_

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**_ePiKk FaLe_**

_**Summary: **"Because Pig," I said calmly, "I accidentally told Uchiha Sasuke, AKA my BOSS that I think he's gay to his face and now he's out to reap my immortal soul." "...Yeah, I get THAT, but why do you have to hide out in MY house?"_

_**Chapter One: **_A Fail of Epic Proportions

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"-And _that's _why I can never, ever, **_EVER_** go to work again." I concluded as I leaned back in the floral print sofa and shoved the last double chocolate cookie into my mouth. "By the way love, this couch is hideous. You should redecorate."

The blond woman across from me (Who just so happens to be my best fried Ino) silently stuck up one of her fingers.

...I'm pretty sure you can guess which one it was.

"At least _I _can go to work tomorrow Sakura." She replied. "Keep on and I'll smack a sign that says: "Come Get This Uchiha" on your gigantic forehead, then throw your happy butt out into the street."

Now of course, I couldn't let _that _happen. I'm only 24, which meant I had a whole lifetime of being uber sexy ahead of me. This_ also_ meant that I could not allow my super-sexy-delicious boss Uchiha Sasuke to find me and send my soul to Hell and then have his crazed fangirls to dump my body in a ditch somewhere.

...Did I mention suck all my blood? Cause you know, I'm pretty sure he's a vampire or something...ZOMG, what if he can SPARKLE! Like, like Edward Cullen! ...Hm...I never realized how gay that was...oh right, Ino.

"Oh my gosh Ino-Chan! You're looking positively STUNNING this evening!" I exclaimed while batting my eyelashes in a very cute, VERY irresistible way.

"Oh really? Thanks Saku-"

"For a fugly boar that is."

Heh heh, Sakura-1 Ino-0

**_ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe_**

Okay, so maybe I should've saved my totally awesome bacon burning for when Ino-pig couldn't hear cause now I'm standing in the hallway of this crappy apartment building with a floor so nasty I didn't even feel comfortable rolling my luggage on it.

There are MANY reasons that this horrid place is the only place I can go...(None of which are my fault of course)

Number One: Ino is a selfish hoe who throws innocent pink haired girls out on the street.

Number Two: Hinata-Chan's dad has this HUGE stick up his arse. (I was I supposed to know her cousin was a _guy_?)

Number Three: ...Kiba is also a hoe, but in a different sense of the word.

Number Four: Lee would probably try to jump my bones while I slept. (Then again, who wouldn't want some of DIS? ;D)

Yeah, the list goes on. I've pretty much marked off everyone I've ever met, save for one that is. (Actually, I HAD marked him off too, but I decided he was the lesser of about 50 evils.)

Hesitantly, I knocked at apartment 303...And nothing happened.

Neatly laying aside my bags, I then proceeded to beat the hell of the door while screaming like an enraged banshee.

A few seconds later I heard a bang and a crash and a muffled: "I'm foaming dom it!" ...Or at least that's what it sounded like...

Then the door flew open and there stood my wonderful savior Naruto. He blinked, as if not really sure he was currently _seeing, _before breaking into a wide grin and screaming "SAKURA-CHAN" louder than he ever had in his life.

Did I mention he was a complete moron? Like seriously, it's 5 in the afternoon, people are probably trying to sleep.

Silently, as he hugged my guts out that is, I looked pathetically to the sky. (Well, it was actually an off white, cracked, water stained ceiling but whatever.) Why, of all the people, WHY did it have to be NARUTO?

He pulled away, still grinning, and gave me a wonderful glimpse of his bare chest. There was a _whole _lot to see, let me tell you. I subconsciously licked my lips, which totally would've freaked him out if he wasn't too dense to notice. "I need a place to stay Naru-Chan, and I must admit the view from your apartment is mighty fine."

"Eh," he scratched his head, "but Sakura-Chan, you haven't even been inside! How do you know what you can see through the window?"

...I grinned.

**_ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe_**

I woke up the next morning to the smell of stale ramen and the sounds of Naruto's snoring coming from the livingroom. Being the gentleman that he was, he let me take the bed while he slept on the couch_**. **_(_I _certainly wouldn't have minded sharing. ;D) We'd have to have a little talk about those horrid orange sheets though. I shivered.

Dude just lost some cool points, and the poor thing didn't have many to start with.

Suddenly I heard it, I heard the voice. It was a very smart, smexy voice that was saying: "Sakuraaaaaa, get your size 4 butt out of bed and go to workkkkkk! You need some Monay, Cash, Benjamins, you broke girl!

Which is why I did just that.

Now, I bet you're saying "Why on earth would that bimbo go back to work after going through so much to avoid her boss?" Well dearies, to put it simply, mama needs a new pair of shoes. (In a matter speaking of course.) Chances are if I skip work, not ONLY will he massacre me and reap my soul, he'd FIRE me too and I just can't mooch off Naruto forever cause too much ramen makes my feet swell. In my defense, I did stop by Starbucks and take like, a bajillion years ordering to put off my arrival at death's door for as long as I could.

A Caffè Misto really is a great distraction, let me tell you. I was practically inhaling the thing by the time I finally slid through the doors of Sharingan Corp.

I managed to avoid Uchiha-Sama all the way up until lunchtime using my awesome ninja skillz...Well actually I had the secretary Tenten (Another one of my super awesome friends) to look out for me and I'd duck the other way when she gave the "signal."

Of course you may have noticed that I have a high appreciation for the opposite gender. This is why I soooooooo couldn't stop myself from ogling at the mailroom guy when he came prancing his _nice _backside past my desk and in turn, began to completely ignore the lovely Tenten. When the nameless mailroom guy finally decided to stop dazzling me with his hotness, I finally looked up to see her tugging frantically at her ear.

"Hey," I murmured, "isn't that the signal?"

"...Signal for what Haruno?"

Well crap.

Uchiha-Sama-1

Sakura-0

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_**Cookie Question: What was the apartment number Sakura knocked at? Answer in your review to get a virtual double chocolate cookie at the end of the next chapter! R&R =D  
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	2. Wacktastic Wednesday

_**Gah, I can feel teh looooove! =D**_

_**Thanks for all the reviews luffs, it makes me feel all warm and special!**_

_** ( And the favs and alerts but not reviewing were pretty cool too _)  
**_

_**I'm actually working on this story when I get writer's block for my actual book. (Lucky for you guys, I got it AGAIN. XD)**_

_**And guess what? MY BIRTHDAY WAS YESTERDAY! (yay foh meh! XD)  
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**_ePiKk FaLe_**

_**Summary: **"Because Pig," I said calmly, "I accidentally told Uchiha Sasuke, AKA my BOSS that I think he's gay to his face and now he's out to reap my immortal soul." "...Yeah, I get THAT, but why do you have to hide out in MY house?"_

_**Chapter Two: **_Wacktastic Wednesday

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"You are my personal assistant." Uchiha-sama started, staring down at me like I was some sort of insignificant bug. "How are you supposed to assist me personally if I haven't _seen _you in person _all day_?"

Now usually this would be one of those moments where I comment about how sexy I am and so on and so forth...BUT, I was _very_ close to pissing right in my cherry-red pencil skirt right about then so I just kept quiet and stared.

...Which was very hard for me, let me tell you.

As I sat there, waiting patiently for lightning to burst through the ceiling an strike me down, I noticed something quite interesting.

It was a silver dish, but not just ANY silver dish, a silver COOKIE dish...with like...cookies in it...

HAZELNUT cookies.

Now I bet you're going: "Hmmm, what's so special about about a cookie dish with cookies in it?"

Well dearies, it is more so the fact UCHIHA SASUKE owned said dish that was so surprising it made me wanna smack somebody's mama.

Now if someone would've told me that Uchiha-sama had cookies in his office...I most likely would've told them they'd burn in Hell for being a liar, or that he'd recently sucked all the blood from a couple or girl scouts and just hadn't gotten rid of _all _the evidence yet.

...But there they were; Sitting innocently on the corner of his desk without a single deceased girl scout in sight.

Of course, he _could _have dumped the bodies already, but who cares.

Girl scouts are annoying anyway.

If you know me, you know I can't just sit there and NOT take one (Even if they belong to girl scouts who died a brutal death) when they're being all delicious and chunky...and, and SUGARY...

I swear, my mouth started watering more than it does when the hot mail guy walks by my desk right before lunch. (Which by the way, I was missing right about now so my boss could chew me out instead, EPIC right?)

I discreetly reached out to get one but I guess my awesome ninja skillz had decided to take THEIR lunch break cause this REALLY pale hand suddenly reached out and grabbed my wrist; preventing me from obtaining one of those wonderfully scrumptious looking delicacies.

"What are you doing Haruno?" Uchiha-sama was glaring at me again; probably realizing that I had stopped paying attention a _long _time ago.

I stared back wide-eyed; memories of the events that started all this flashing through my head.

**_ePiKk FlAsHbAcK ePiKk FlAsHbAcK ePiKk FlAsHbAcK ePiKk FlAsHbAcK ePiKk FlAsHbAcK_**

So I was sitting at home watching my totally bootlegged copy of Newmoon since like, Eclipse had come that day and I didn't want to see it until I FINALLY finished the second one. (Of course, I probably would've been done weeks ago if I hadn't kept pausing it at the part where Jacob takes off his shirt in the rain. :D)

ANYWAY!

I was totally getting in to it when suddenly-

RING

I rolled my eyes. Stupid Ino, always running up my phone bill.

RING

I ignored my completely awesome iPhone and shoved a handful of popcorn into my mouth.

RING

...Won't this porker just give up? If I've ignored you for this long, chances are I don't plan on picking up.

RING

RING

RINGGGGGGGG

Finally I couldn't take it anymore and snatched up the phone.

"Listen here pig! I'm am TRYING to ogle at Taylor Launter's chest right now...even though he's like, still a teenager...you know what, whatever! Get a life and quit calling me."

It was quiet on the other end, and I feeling quite proud of myself, was just about to hang up when a dangerously low voice flowed from the phone.

"Haruno, you had better thought I was someone else."

Well crap, I was probably gonna get _fired_ now.

...This is all Ino-pig's fault for always calling me and making me assume it was her being nosy.

"O-of course I did Uchiha-sama! I mean, I would never-"

"Shut-up, you're being annoying."

GASP, the nerve of some people!

"I need you to order some flowers." He continued.

I raised an eyebrow.

"Flowers?"

"Yes flowers." He growled. "You DO know what they are right?"

"Actually," I replied sweetly even though I totally felt like giving him a piece of my mind (Not a happy piece either), "I have a friend who _owns _a flower shop."

"Good," he replied, "I need them by Sunday."

"Well was there any specific kind you wanted?" I asked politely, cause I'm an AWESOME personal assistant like that.

"You're a girl. Pick something."

He hung up before I could reach through the phone and scratch his eye-balls out.

Oh well, he'd probably whoop my tail in a fight anyway.

So anyway, I rung up Ino and was like: "Yo, waz up my home dawg skillet biscuit? I need you to just do yo flower thang gurl and hook a sista up with some flowers on Sunday ya heard?"

...Okay, not really. It actually went more like this:

"Oh em gee, INO! I need like, the awesomest flower arrangement you have ever made in your LIFE because my boss called and I accidentally fussed him out and now he's probably casting some sort of voodoo spell on me in his bedroom and Ino I CAN"T get fired cause then I'd have to move in with YOU...not that there's anything wrong with that of course, you are a VERY pretty girl and a nice cook...did I mention you were pretty?"

"Whoa, slow down forehead, " she cried, "I can barely hear a word you're saying! You said Uchiha told you to get flowers now?"

"Yah." I nodded furiously even though piggy-chan couldn't see me. "By Sunday."

"Why would _he _need _flowers_?"

"How the heck should I know, he's freakin' nuts!"

"Whatever, it doesn't matter. I'm sooooo amazing that I don't even NEED to know what the arrangement is for."

I snorted. "Sureeeee you are."

"Yeah that's it," she retorted, "keep punching the gift horse in the throat."

"...Don't you mean smacking it in the mouth?"

"...What?"

"I mean, if you punched it in the throat it would kill it, why would you do that?"

"...Just shut-up and be at my place in ten."

"But it's like, 11:00 at night, why would you be starting now?"

I could practically _hear _her smirk. "Sweetie, who said anything about flowers?"

**_ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe_**

Half an hour later, I found myself slouched across the bar at Pub Konoha, ranting drunkenly to an equally sober Ino.

"And-and then guess what he -hic-did?" I slurred, barely able to keep myself upright.

"What?" Ino questioned, eyes wide with anticipation.

I leaned in as if telling some HUGE secret.

"He-" I started.

"Yah?" Ino leaned in closer.

"-he, HE-"

Ino was practically falling out of her seat by now.

"...I forgot."

My poor blond friend turned dejectedly back to her drink and I felt so bad about it that it suddenly jogged my foggy memory.

"I-hic-remember now!"

She immediately perked up again, but before I could tell her just WHAT exactly Uchiha Sasuke was, a pale hand grabbed my wrist.

"What are you doing here?" A very deep, VERY attractive voice said. Of course, I was so drunk that I didn't realize the voice was familiar.

It could have been my own daddy and I wouldn't have even noticed.

"Can't you see I'm trying to tell my friend how gay my boss is!" I turned and yelled...right into said boss's face. I could faintly hear Ino laughing it up in the background, but I was much too horrified to even smoke her. This was TOTALLY all her fault.

Who convinces their friends to go out drinking on a Wednesday anyway?

**_EnD ePiKk FlAsHbAcK EnD ePiKk FlAsHbAcK EnD ePiKk FlAsHbAcK EnD ePiKk FlAsHbAcK EnD ePiKk FlAsHbAcK_**

I had called in sick the next day (Ino freakin' OWNS the place where she works so she can be out whenever she wants...that cow.) and hung out Ino at her house; having headaches and throwing up and whatnot. Of course, when I was well enough, I remember what I had done the night before and immediately began searching for a loaded gun.

And now here I sat, trying to think up a good reason as to why I was paying more attention to a plate of cookies than I was my boss.

...This is sooooooooo Ino's fault.

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FML

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_**Cookie Question: What was the name of the Pub Ino and Sakura went to? Answer in your review to get a virtual hazelnut cookie at the end of the next chapter!**_

_**Last Chapter's Winners:**_

_yuugiri_

_ChocolateAngel-san_

_Ninja Kitten Goes Rawr (You get an extra one because your penname rocks. XD)_

_Luna'sStar101_

_dattebayo4321 (You get like, 10 because I love that band! ;D)  
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	3. In Which Sasuke Abuses His Power

**_ZOMG! _**

**_I totally got inspiration for my book so I decided hey, why not make some other people happy? =D_**

**_And I was thinking about making a blog, what do you guys think? _**

**_I mean, it would just be random things that happened to me and I felt like talking about._**

**_Would you expect it to be uber boring? =O_**

**_(Also, I'd like to apologize for any mistakes cause I know I made some XD)  
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**_ePiKk FaLe_**

_"Because Pig," I said calmly, "I accidentally told Uchiha Sasuke,_

_ AKA my BOSS that I think he's gay to his face and now he's out to reap my immortal soul."_

_ "...Yeah, I get THAT, but why do you have to hide out in MY house?"_

_**Chapter Three: **_In Which Sasuke Abuses His Power

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It was a bright, beautiful Sunday morning. The birds were chirping, the grass shimmered with dew; It was just one of those days where you wake up and say: "What a perfect morning!...My day is gonna suck."

...And it usually does.

I, the one and only Haruno Sakura the GREAT, just happened to be on my way to Uchiha-sama's house with his blasted flower arrangement in the passenger seat, a vanilla creme cookie in my mouth, and MUSIC in my SOUL!

(Well kinda, I was actually just singing along to the radio to keep myself from crying cause my house was nowhere near as sexy as the ones in this neighborhood.)

After "getting lost" and stopping to ask this hawt piece of man candy to point me in the direction of Uchiha Sasuke's abode, (Which happened to be right down the street...go figure.) I found myself pulling up to the biggest fudgin' gate I had EVER SEEN.

I mean seriously, the man's house was like, _two miles_ up a dang hill; the gate wasn't even _necessary_.

I whipped out my phone to ring up Uchiha-sama and DEMAND entrance into his fortress (Is it bad that my boss is #2 on my speed dial?) when some pineapple-haired guy suddenly appeared out of nowhere by my window.

I screamed...loud...like, if Ino-pig and Naruto-kun got together they would have the LOUDEST BABY ON EARTH and I still would've been louder.

Yeah, I was _that_ scared.

In my moment of blind panic; I threw my iPhone at my still rolled up window.

_Awesome _right?

Pineapple-Head raised an eyebrow before pulling a walkie-talkie out of thin air and sighing: "We've got another one down here Asuma."

Another one of _what_ exactly?

I coolly rolled down the window to by beautiful Honda (I totally got an autograph from Mr. Opportunity; that's right, be jealous.) while cradling my injured baby to my chest.

"Excuse me sir," I said as professionally as I could without downright _drooling_ over him, "I have business with Mr. Uchiha. Could you you please open the gate so I can go in?"

He gave me this lazy, droopy-eyed stare before flat out saying no.

NO...to ME.

The nerve of some people!

I checked my cell for injuries, then angrily began dialing Uchiha-sama's number. (Yeah I had him on speed dial, but this way was much more dramatic.)

I waited irritably as it rang; making sure to send a nasty glare to my left every now and again.

"Haruno," my boss's deep voice flowed from the other end, "where the hell are you?"

"Stuck outside you're freakin' gate because the damn security guard won't let me in!" I snapped.

"...Give him the phone."

I flashed Pineapple-Head a "you are soooo in trouble now!" look and held out my iPhone.

Needless to say that 30 seconds later, I was inside.

**_ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe_**

I was greeted a brown-haired maid with a pretty face and a sweet smile.

She looked a little nervous; like she expected me to just lash out and bite her head off. (I bet it came from living with a evil, girl scout killing, maniac vampire.)

"Can I take your jacket for you ma'am?" She asked politely, and I totally would've let her...if I were wearing one.

"Ummm..." She seemed to notice that my arms were as bare as they were the day I was born cause she suddenly looked like she wanted the floor to just open up and swallow her whole.

I knew that feeling, _believeeee _me.

"A pair of slippers would be nice Miss." I said as kindly as I could. "There don't seem to be any by the door and I certainly wouldn't want to mess up such a beautiful floor with these heels."

I swear the woman floated to the ceiling.

"No need to call me Miss ma'am." she grinned. "My name is Ayame, and I'd be happy to fetch you a pair of slippers!"

With that, Ayame danced away like she had just been told she had won the lottery and wouldn't be making beds or anyone else ever again.

...Weird lady.

It suddenly occurred to me that I would now have to sit and wait for Ayame-san to come back because she'd probably cry if I left and I was too nice to let that happen.

Of course, this means I will be even _later _which means Uchiha-sama will probably be _madder _but whatever. The worst I've ever gotten from him was a slap on the wrist anyways.

If he was gonna fire me, he would've sooooooooo done it by now.

About ten minutes into my failed charity case, I was ready to go tap dance on the stupid marble floors just so I could laugh as Ayame buffed out every. Single. Scratch. (Yeah, I only feel pity in short quantities.) I mean, these shoes were made for being HOT, not standing for long periods of time!

I would've totally done it too, if the voice that haunts my dreams and has me sleeping walking to go fix a double black, no sugar or cream coffee in the morning hadn't stopped me.

"What are you doing Haruno?"

I turned and came nose to chest with my uber delicious boss.

"Umm..waiting on a pair of slippers." I said without looking up. (Partly because I was blushing and I would just DIE if he saw, and partly because my view was mighty fine.)

I could totally feel him staring holes in the top of my head, which gave me yet _another_ reason to keep my gorgeous away from HIS gorgeous eyes. He continued to stare in silence for a moment before he grunted and turned on his heels.

"Follow me."

"B-but the slippers-"

"Forget the slippers."

Well that's the last time I try to be considerate in _his_ house, let me tell you.

We finally stopped in what I guess was the living room and I was kinda sour cause the stuff in their looked like it was worth more than my entire house.

Uchiha-sama nodded to the pure white couch sitting in the middle of the room. "Sit."

I immediately did cause you know, I'd never seen a couch so beautiful and comfy looking in my life.

I sat down and I swear it felt like I was sinking into heaven.

...Ino's couch just got PWNED man.

Uchiha-sama himself continued to stand instead. (Or in his case, pace back and forth in front of me agitatedly.)

"...I need you to do something for me."

I raised an eyebrow. Was that all? From the way he was acting, you'd think he'd be asking me to marry him-

"I need you to be my fiance." My mind totally like, shut down.

I swear it did.

I think my blank staring worried him cause he quickly started pleading his case.

"Look, my parents are pressuring me to get married so I can produce a heir but I didn't want to so I put it off and they were going make me marry _Karin_ and I _certainly _didn't want to do _that _so I told them I was already engaged and now they're coming over to meet my fiance which is you because I just couldn't think of anyone else!"

Oh. My. God.

THE Uchiha Sasuke just SPAZZED.

...The world is officially ending.

"And I'm your boss so you have to do what I say."

Oh, we're pulling the boss trick are we?

Crossing my arms, I raised my chin defiantly. "I'll do it if you give me a raise."

Uchiha-sama gave me the "look" and replied: "_Or_ you can do it for the same amount you're getting paid now and _keep your job_."

My jaw totally like, dropped to the floor.

I swear it did.

"After all the things I've done, you'd _fire_ me for not agreeing to be your _pretend fiance_?"

He shrugged nonchalantly.

"That's, that's TOTAL ABUSE OF POWER!"

Suddenly, from the hallway, I heard the sound of weeping and a depressed: "I have failed!"

..

..

..

..

Greeeeat

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_**Cookie Question: Who did Sakura get an autograph from? Answer in your review to get a virtual vanilla creme cookie at the end of the next chapter!**_

_**Last Chapter's Winners:**_

_Mizz Hime-Sama  
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_ChocolateAngel-san_

_Ninja Kitten Goes Rawr  
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_Luna'sStar101_

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_XOnaruxhinaXO_

_yuugiri_

_Lunarious1000  
_


	4. Meet the Folks

**_...I love you? XD_**

**_Pleasepleaseplease don't like, kill me and junk. I swear I meant to update before now! _**

**_*insert shifty eyes here*  
_**

**_Also, you guys should TOTALLY check out my story The Untold Stories cause apparently Fanfic lovers don't like OC's that much. XD_**

**_Eh, I'm not really feeling this chapter but whatevs, I need it. *shrugs shoulders*  
_**

**_On with teh storay!  
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**_ePiKk FaLe_**

_"Because Pig," I said calmly, "I accidentally told Uchiha Sasuke,_

_AKA my BOSS that I think he's gay to his face and now he's out to reap my immortal soul."_

_"...Yeah, I get THAT, but why do you have to hide out in MY house?"_

_**Chapter Four: **_Meet The Folks

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"Stop fidgeting." Uchiha-sama (Or should I call him Sasuke now?) hissed quietly.

I _totally_ wanted to do what he said, (Like for REAL this time!) but the only problem was...

The entire universe was conspiring to make me fidget.

..

..

..

...I'm serious!

_Sasuke_ had FORCED me to wear the tightest, most _uncomfortable _emerald tube dress EVER, (I found it quite strange that he wanted me to meet his _parents_ dressed like a total _hoe_.) my panties were riding up like crazy (Yes, it WAS perhaps the biggest wedgie in the history of wedgies. -sniff-, I'm so proud!), and the freakin' platforms I had on shouldn't even be _legal_ like, anywhere! Oh, and there was this reaaally itchy itch on my back that I couldn't reach.

I mean, is that fidget worthy or what?

"I said stop it!" My _fiancee_ snapped again.

Jeez, talk about PISSY.

"I'm TRYING." I shot back. (Which was a lie cause I really wasn't.)

Luckily, before he could smoke my buns, Ayame came tumbling through the front door screaming about eagles landing in the nests or something.

She must have seen my "What the hell" face because she blushed and informed: "Mr. and Mrs. Uchiha are here!"

See how easy that was; now why couldn't she have just said that before?

"Very well," Sasuke stated, "you may go." Ayame bowed deeply, almost losing her balance in the process, and ran off to begin her kitchen duties. (I'd LOVE to meet the idiot who thought it would be a good idea to have THAT woman near so many sharp objects and hot surfaces.)

Just as she was disappearing around the corner, it occurred to me that I was about to have dinner with a family of vampires. (I mean, if Sasuke was a vampire, it seemed perfectly reasonable to assume his parents were too.)

Now I know you're probably thinking "Man, why won't she just let the whole vampire thing go?"

Well I'll tell you why, and it has NOTHING to do with _Twilight_.

..

..

..

...I'm serious!

"Stand up straight," Sasuke ordered, "they're coming."

Yah, to suck my blood and dump my body in a ditch somewhere.

Yipee!

Still, I decided to be a good little girl and do what I was told.

...For now. *insert evil laughter here*

"Hello Okasama, Otosama."

Cursing, I discreetly tuned back in to reality before anyone could catch me not paying attention.

Sasuke's parents were perhaps the most gorgeous couple I had ever seen in my life. (Mostly because his mother was almost too beautiful to be REAL.)

His Okasama had a gentle air about her, and it became more obvious the longer I stared where Sasuke got his looks. She flashed me a kind smile that almost made my nervousness melt away on the spot. (Then I realized she was probably just trying to get me to lower my guard so I would put up less of a struggle later and I got even MORE nervous.)

Mr. Uchiha looked as if he too would be incredibly good-looking if not for the permanent frown adorning his face. He also had deep lines under his eyes, which I concluded came from staying up all night to stalk the innocent.

"This is my fiancee Sakura." Sasuke nudged me with his elbow and I totally would've rolled my eyes had the situation been different.

"Hello..." Crap, what were their names?

"Mr. and Mrs. Uchiha." I smiled while offering a polite bow. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

"No need to be so formal Sakura-chan, you're going to be family after all!" His mother cried. "Please, call me Mikoto."

She then proceeded to hug the sexay stuffing outta me like I've known her all my life.

"Oh Sasu-chan, you never told me she was so pretty!" She exclaimed, pulling away to crush Sasuke with her bosoms instead. (Heh, she thinks I'm pretty. :D) I raised an eyebrow and grinned at her words. _Sasu-chan_, REALLY?

He sooooo wasn't living that one down; evil manipulative bastard...

"Hello."

I looked up to find Mr. Uchiha standing before me like he would rather being gorging his eyes out with a rusty spoon right about then.

Psh, that made two of us.

"I am Fugaku, Sasuke's father. It is a..._pleasure_ to meet you."

Flashing him a totally IRRESISTIBLE smile, I held out my hand. "The pleasure is all mine Fugaku-san."

He stared at my hand like it was some sort of disease; then walked away to stand by his wife. (Who had probably forced him to come say hi anyway; pansy...)

Looks like I found where Sasuke's bastardness came from.

"Oh don't mind him," Mikoto gestured to her husband, "he's just sour because he wanted Sasu-chan to marry that Karcy girl."

"_Karin_, is from a prominent family, her marriage to Sasuke would've greatly benefited our clan."

"Sakura is from a powerful family as well." Sasuke, who had been suspiciously quiet, interrupted smoothly.

Oh. My. God.

He was **_NOT _**going there...

"Her father owns one of the largest businesses in the world. His name is Haruno Kaede, I'm sure it's familiar."

Yes he did, he went there.

You see, my otosama is head of Haruno & Co. It is a very successful business that specializes in the production of medical equipment; ranging from band-aids to CT Scanners. Now you're probably going "Hey, why are you working your arse off for an ungrateful brat if you're filthy rich?"

Weeeeell, let's just say there was an..._incident_ involving tequila and a LOT of sugar cookies that kinda got me _disowned_. (Temporarily of course.) He told me that if I could prove I was responsible he'd take me back, but until then I was on my own. -sniff- A very tragic story if I do say so myself.

I was always kept on the DL because of my tendency to get in a _bit_ of trouble here and there. I mean, everyone _knew_ the famous Haruno Kaede had a daughter, they just didn't have a face to go with her. Sasuke hired me as a favor for my brother Sasori, who was a friend of _his_ brother Itachi back in high school so he already knew about the situation. (I've never met him though. Sasori-kun was a TOTAL douche back then and thought I would "cramp his style." Psh, Like he had any.)

"Is this true?" Fugaku demanded forcefully.

Jeez, pushy much?

"Well yeah bu-"

"If that is the case, I believe Sakura-chan will make a wonderful addition to the family."

Oh, so I'm Sakura_-chan_ now?

I glared over at Sasuke, who seemed completely content with ignoring my very existance at the moment. (Yes, he knew he had done something bad.)

"Oh I smell something yummy!" Mikoto cried. "A nice family supper is just what we need to get to know each other better."

"All the knowledge I require has already been obtained." Fugaku replied, money signs practically dancing in his eyes.

"...Hn."

Yah, dinner was going to be _awesome_.

* * *

_**Cookie Question: What did Sakura's father's company make? Answer in your review to get a virtual sugar cookie at the end of the next chapter!**_

_**Last Chapter's Winners:**_

_tigers-and-dragons _(You get all three for being honest ;D)

_ThE sLeEpInG dReAmEr (_You gets a bunch cause your long reviews made me feel giddy XD)

_Mizz Hime-Sama  
_

_ChocolateAngel-san_

_Ninja Kitten Goes Rawr  
_

_Luna'sStar101_

_dattebayo4321_

_akrya12_

_Water Ichigo-chan  
_

_XOnaruxhinaXO_

_Lil' DeiDei  
_

_Lunarious1000  
_


	5. SO Freakin' S

**_'Ello my beautiful reviewers! =D_**

_**Zomg, EARLY UPDATE! (I thought you deserved it after waiting so long.)**_

_**I tried to make this one longer because someone commented on the length.  
**_

**_(And maybe if more people complain I'll do it again, I dunno. *insert shifty eyes here*)  
_**

**_ANYWAYS, this chapter is going to be in text form because really, what else is a person to do when stuck at an awkwardly silent dinner table?_**

**_Oh, and the reason they have crazy names is because that's what the other person has them as in their phone. XD_**

**_PS. This was really fun, I might start an all TXT fic.  
_**

_**

* * *

**_

**_ePiKk FaLe_**

_"Because Pig," I said calmly, "I accidentally told Uchiha Sasuke,_

_AKA my BOSS that I think he's gay to his face and now he's out to reap my immortal soul."_

_"...Yeah, I get THAT, but why do you have to hide out in MY house?"_

_**Chapter Five: **_S. O. Freakin' S.

_

* * *

_

From: Foreheadmonster

Subject: SOS

Zomg Ino-pig, we have a code red! CODE REEEED!

This is not a drill, I repeat, this is NOT a freakin' drill!

-(Sakuralovesyou)-

* * *

From: Pork-n-Beans

Subject: You're Annoying

What are you whining about now Forhead?

There's this _totally_ hot guy standing right in front

of the cash register and I can't flirt properly

with you burning up my phone!

~InO oN tOp~

* * *

From: Foreheadmonster

Subject: Your FACE

I'm WHINING about my LIFE here!

Like, seriously Ino.

What if I die and the last thing you did was be a bitch to me?

How would that make you feel INSIDE?

(Like you would've got him anyways.)

-(Sakuralovesyou)-

* * *

From: Pork-n-Beans

Subject: I'd Feel All Bubbly Inside! =D

Oh, so you're finally taking my advice and going to Hell where you belong?

(Guess who got his number BIOTCH.)

~InO oN tOp~

* * *

From: Foreheadmonster

Subject: You Made Me Cry T_T

As long as you meet me there beautiful. ;)

But seriously Ino, this is like...serious.

(Go choke on a stick porker.)

-(Sakuralovesyou)-

* * *

From: Pork-n-Beans

Subject: Srry, I Don't Roll THAT Way

...Really?

Okay, I'll bite, tell Ino the magnificent what's wrong. :D

(Go choke on something that RHYMES with stick forehead.)

~InO oN tOp~

* * *

From: Foreheadmonster

Subject: If I Went Lebso, It Wouldn't Be For You Sweetie

I take it back then, FUGLY BOAR!

I'm having dinner...with Uchiha-sama...and his PARENTS!

God help me...

(Eww Ms. Piggy, that's like, soooo gross!)

-(Sakuralovesyou)-

* * *

From: Pork-n-Beans

Subject: You Can't Handle All DIS Noway

Shut-up, no one likes you anyway.

WTF? What the hell for?

I don't think God helps people that are going to Hell...

(How do you know I didn't mean BRICK hmm?)

~InO oN tOp~

* * *

From: Foreheadmonster

Subject: There IS A Lot To Handle THUNDER THIGHS

Oh? Well your last boyfriend didn't think so.

We're kinda..._engaged_ I guess you could say...

God loves all his children! (Not you though, you were born of demonic power so you don't count)

(We both know that's not what you meant)

-(Sakuralovesyou)-

* * *

From: Pork-n-Beans

Subject: Don't Make Me Slap Yo Mama

You know what? Screw you.

I'm sorry, thought you said you were ENGAGED.

I know you didn't because you are my best friend and I didn't even know you were DATING.

Well you weren't born at all. THIS IS THE MATRIX FOOH!

(You don't know what I meant FOOLISH MORTAL!)

~InO oN tOp~

* * *

From: Foreheadmonster

Subject: My Mother Is Dead You Whore

Oh that's funny, your boyfriend did that too!

Ummmmmmm...you're pretty?

Heh heh...

What the hell Ino?

No more SyFy for you.

(I was born in the Matrix remember? That means I PWN you.)

PS. I want a peanut-butter cookie! T_T

-(Sakuralovesyou)-

* * *

From: Pork-n-Beans

Subject: Sorry, Forgot

Shaddup

I know I am *flips hair* but that is not the problem at hand.

Touch my SyFy and I'll kill you hoe.

(I was born of demonic power so I totally have awesome powers

like Sam from Supernatural. Chew on THAT.)

PS. I see kankles in your future dearie.

~InO oN tOp~

* * *

From: Foreheadmonster

Subject: You Were At The Funeral

;D

-snorts-

Everyone knows TNT kicks SyFy's arse. (They know drama!)

(Whatever you're a loser, and Sam is MY man so you better BACK UP HOE!)

PS. I see them in your PRESENT.

-(Sakuralovesyou)-

* * *

Mean while,

sitting right

next to her...

* * *

From: The Bastard

Subject: ...Save. Me.

Dobe, I seriously think I might croak.

If I do, then I will personally return and drag

your ass to hell for letting me die.

-Sasuke

* * *

From: The Idiot Parade

Subject: Save Your Own Damn Self

Go die in a ditch for all I care.

HELL COULDN'T HOLD ME SUCKA!

(Was the hole "croak" thing a crack at my

frog phobia? Cause if it was, it wasn't funny.)

*B O W before the ramen king*

* * *

From: The Bastard

Subject: I Hate You

Choke on ramen noodles idiot.

Who are you, Mr. T?

(...You're such a pansy.)

-Sasuke

* * *

From: The Idiot Parade

Subject: Back At Ya ;)

-gasp- How dare you IMPLY that ramen would ever betray me!

Mr. T is freakin' awesome, you're just jealous.

(Am not! You get attacked by an oversized toad and we'll see

what happens to you!)

*B O W before the ramen king*

* * *

From: The Bastard

Subject: ...Are You Gay?

You have issues dobe, Dr. Phil worthy issues.

...You're right, it's my lifelong dream to become Mr. T.

(Jiraiya TOLD you before he even let you inside his petting zoo

NOT to touch Gamabunta and you did anyway.)

-Sasuke

* * *

From: The Idiot Parade

Subject: I'm a MANLY Man Thank You

Dr. Phil is an old fart who doesn't know what the hell he's talking about.

I KNEW IT! Too bad you aren't EPIKK enough to be Mr. T.

(I was 10, and you KNEW I was gonna do it anyway but you

didn't stop me!)

*B O W before the ramen king

* * *

From: The Bastard

Subject: We All See How Insecure You Are

Half the time YOU don't know what you're talking about, idiot.

You sound like my secretary. (Who is part of the reason I might just die of boredom.)

(Do not blame your stupidity on me.)

-Sasuke

* * *

From: The Idiot Parade

Subject: STOP TRYING TO CONFUSE ME WITH BIG WORDS!

Psh, I ALWAYS know what I'M talking about.

I bet she's a good time. ;) (Why are you about to die again?)

(I'm not stupid, I'm smarticle!)

*B O W before the Ramen king

* * *

From: The Bastard

Subject: I think I SUCCEEDED

If you say so.

You're an idiot. (I'm having dinner with her and my parents. We're engaged.)

(Just because they say it on Disney Channel does NOT make it a real word.)

-Sasuke

* * *

Mean while,

across the table...

* * *

To: The Lower Life Form (Hyuga)

Subject: Victory

Well Hiashi, it seems that I have won.

``Uchihas4ever``

* * *

To: Him Who Is Beneath Me (Uchiha)

Subject: You Shall Never Be Victorious

Won what exactly Fugaku?

{*Hyuga~Grace*}

* * *

To: The Lower Life Form (Hyuga)

Subject: I Believe I Already Have

My son is about to marry the daughter of HARUNO KAEDE.

Does the name ring a bell?

``Uchihas4ever``

* * *

To: Him Who Is Beneath Me (Uchiha)

Subject: You're A Dirty Liar

I am surprised a man of your stature would stoop so low

as to tell an UNTRUTH just to get ahead Fugaku.

{*Hyuga~Grace*}

* * *

To: The Lower Life Form (Hyuga)

Subject: Shut Your Dirty Pie Hole

I assure you I am speaking nothing but truth _Hiashi_.

I can understand however, why you would be upset

that you couldn't have Haruno-san's daughter

for your nephew.

``Uchihas4ever``

* * *

To: Him Who Is Beneath Me (Uchiha)

Subject: I Brushed My Teeth This Morning Thank You

Sorry if I cannot take you're (lying) word for it _Fugaku_.

I'll have you know, my nephew is capable of having

any woman your _son_ can.

{*Hyuga~Grace*}

* * *

To: The Lower Life Form (Hyuga)

Subject: That Doesn't Mean Your Pie Hole Isn't Dirty

I ALWAYS (sometimes) tell the truth thank you.

Who was number one on the Top 100 Celebrity Hotties list?

Not your nephew if I remember correctly.

``Uchihas4ever``

* * *

To: Him Who Is Beneath Me (Uchiha)

Subject: If Mine Is Then So Is Yours

If you want me to believe you tell the truth then STOP LYING.

Yes, but who was also number one on the Top 100 Celebrities Who Are Most Likely

To Have Aids list?

{*Hyuga~Grace*}

* * *

To: The Lower Life Form (Hyuga)

Subject: Go To Hell

MY SON IS A VIRGIN THANK YOU!

``Uchihas4ever``

* * *

Meanwhile,

beside him...

* * *

To:Shizune-Chan

Subject: My Family Sucks

This is the most BORING dinner I have EVER had in my LIFE!

Entertain me please.

~U.M.~

* * *

..

..

..

..

Can't you just feel the LOVE?

* * *

_**Cookie Question: What did Sasuke call Naruto in his phone? Answer in your review to get a virtual peanut-butter cookie at the end of the next chapter!**_

_**Last Chapter's Winners:**_

_EmoSakura95_

_Mizz Hime-Sama_

_dattebayo4321_

_Random Retard Modified 56.0_

_yuugiri  
_


	6. The List

**_Ugh, hey you guys. x_x_**

**_Have I ever mentioned how much I'm hating life right about now?_**

**_I had pretty much written out this whole chapter, but when I went to type it, I couldn't find it!_**

**_I had to rewrite all of it which was hard cause I'm really busy right now and I had to write on a schedule and this threw everything off cause I used up all my free time trying to re-do this._**

**_Oh, and can you guys check out Moonlight?_**

**_It's a serious story I wrote on another account and I'm continuing soooo yah, I'd love your opinions. =)_**

**_(I was thinking about 5 more chaps on this story and then maybe a sequel.)  
_**

_**

* * *

**_

**_ePiKk FaLe_**

_"Because Pig," I said calmly, "I accidentally told Uchiha Sasuke,_

_AKA my BOSS that I think he's gay to his face and now he's out to reap my immortal soul."_

_"...Yeah, I get THAT, but why do you have to hide out in MY house?"_

_**Chapter Six: **_The List

_

* * *

_

Okay, so dinner with the Uchiha's was a TOTAL bust in case it wasn't obvious. (Seriously, I almost wished they _had _actually tried to eat me just so _something_ would've happened.) As I stood in my father's study waiting for him to acknowledge me however, I couldn't help but wish I was still at that brain-meltingly BORING supper cause then I wouldn't be standing here about to beg my otosama for my inheritance back.

It was a very degrading act and quite frankly, my pops made me wanna piss in my pants.(Or in this case, my super sexy dark-wash skinny jeans. ;D)

"So...to what do I owe the honor of this surprise visit Sakura love?" My father asked, finally setting aside the book he probably wasn't even reading and just held to build suspense.

And Kami, it worked.

"Actually, I have news for you otosama." I replied calmly. That's right, even in the face of adversity, Haruno Sakura is a smooooth operator.

"Really now? Good news I hope."

"Uh yeah, I guess. I mean, well it really depends on how you look at it and there's more to the story than at first glance so it's really hard to judge. It actually COULD go either way..." Great, I was babbling. What happened to smooth operator Sakura!

"Yes, it's good news,"I said finally, just when my otosama's crimson eyebrow was about to disappear behind his equally red bangs, "I'm...getting married...to Uchiha Sasuke"

He just stared at me, and I swear I saw my entire life flash across his blank chocolate eyes. (I seriously shouldn't have flipped that old lady off when I was 16 for telling me that cookies were bad for my health. That was such a hoe-ish thing to do, she was just trying to help.)

...And then it happened.

You know when you're so scared that your heart _literally_ skips a beat, and in that split second you have a life changing revelation that seems like the answer to all your problems?

Well I TOTALLY just had one of those. (Kinda)

If my father disapproves of the union, I won't have to marry Sasuke and there would be nothing the bastard could do about it! I smiled evilly. (Inside my head of course.)

"I can understand if you don't approve otosama, and as my father, I would respect your wishes and call off the engagement."

"Are you kidding, of course I apporve!"

Heh heh, see? Worked like a-wait, what?

"In fact, I would like to give you my blessing!"

What!

"And of course you can have your inheritance back as well."

WHA-oh wait, that last one isn't really bad...

"So...you're _happy_ I'm getting married?" I asked in disbelief. Where the hell was the overprotective father that ran off all my boyfriends in high school?

"Of course I'm happy! Do you know what this union will do for the company?"

Oh yeah, my father is a money grubbing bastard too, COMPLETELY forgot about that.

"I'm sure Sasuke is a good boy," yah, and a starving alligator would make a WONDERFUL pet, "his brother Itachi was such a nice young man."

Mmhm, a nice young man who became a meth-head and ran off with Sasori-niisan to join a gang. Wonderful influence I bet he was.

"So that's it," I breathed, "I'm in."

"Well I would still like to know if working for your money has taught you anything..."

He flashed a familiar, devious smile. (It looks _way_ sexier on me, let me tell you.)

**_ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe_**

"-scavenger hunt, are you serious! I mean...come on, it's ridiculous!"

I sighed and continued examining my cherry-red nails while I waited for Ino to stop being a spaz.

"I know your brain is a little underdeveloped but you're not four for Kami's sake!"

Okay, now that's enough.

"Stop being so retarded Porker," I replied, "and it's not a scavenger hunt _per se_. He's giving me 100 bucks and a list of things to buy without going over. THIS is why I decided to risk listening to your gigantisaur mouth cause I know you shop when you're lonely...which is quite often seeing as you're a disgusting pig that _insists_ on insisting she's human."

"...I hate you."

"I know luff, now will you help me or not? If so, you're gonna have to pick me up cause I can't afford to put anymore miles on my baby today."

"I'll be over in ten, try to make your face less ugly before I'm seen in public with you."

"Go to-"

"CLICK"

Gawd, I hate her.

True to her word, Ino-pig pulled up _exactly _ten minutes later. (Which sucks cause I was hoping for an excuse to antagonize her.) I slid into the passenger seat of her BMW, smiling as I did so. "That's not fair Pig, if I had to fix _my_ face hen you should've fixed _yours_."

"Don't bother to fasten your seat belt, seeing you fly through the windshield will be very rewarding."

Mmm, I was just soaking up the love.

"What's the first thing on the list?"

Ino asked, glancing over curiously when I pulled a neatly folded piece of paper from my pocket.

"Umm...it looks like a Great Dane." I murmured while squinting down at my father's horrible hand writing.

"Oh, I see...YOU'RE FRIGGIN' CRAZY IF YOU THINK I'M GONNA LET A HORSE-SIZED DOG INTO MY CAR!"

She calmed down a little after I patiently explained to her that she was driving and therefore could NOT afford to have an aneurysm and she should probably be looking ahead.

"There is noway I'm letting a Great Dane into my back seat to pee and leave fleas and Kami knows what else!" She snapped, turning her gaze back to the road.

"Of course you're not Ino."

"I'm serious!"

"Yes yes, I know."

**_ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe_**

"Are you _sure_ this is the only one you have Hana-chan?" I asked nervously.

Like I'd expected, Ino totally folded and we'd ended up at the Inuzuka Animal Clinic & Shelter. Kiba's sister Hana ran the place, which is why I figured we could get a pretty good deal.

What I _didn't_ expect was that they would only have _one_ Great Dane and that he would be a psychotic crazo.

He was HUGE, even for his breed, with fur black as night. His ears sat straight up (Making him look even _taller_) and his lips were pulled back in a snarl that probably would've made even Sasuke a little nervous. The most intimidating thing however, was the gigantic steel chain connecting him to the wall by his choke collar.

...Now why would THAT be necessary?

"Uh yeah, he is." She murmured, flinching as a intern ran from his cage screaming when all the dog did was glare. "He's a good dog, he really is," Ino snorted at this, "and you guys may be his last hope. If you don't take him, we may have to put him down."

Well great, play the guilt trick on me, _that's_ fair.

I knew I was gonna take the damn thing home as soon as she said that and Hana did too, which is why she said it. Ino on the other hand had a heart of stone and just smirked down at him. "Looks like you're going to doggy hell buddy."

Hana and I had to hide our giggles when he snapped at her and almost sent her barreling out of the room.

"Okay big guy," I whispered, squatting in front of the cage, "you're gonna have to impress me."

He glared and snarled like usual, but this time I actually looked into his eyes and saw the sadness there as well.

Then I had another revelation.

This dog kinda acted like Sasuke, which meant that maybe _Sasuke_ was sad too, which meant that if I made him _happy, _he wouldn't act like a bastard anymore!

"...How much?"

"You can't be serious! "Ino cried but I ignored her.

"How much?" I asked again.

Hana blinked in surprise. "Uh, if you'll take him, we'll give him to you for free."

Free, now that's my kind of price.

"What's his name?"

"It doesn't matter cause he's staying here!" Ino growled. Of course we ignored her, she's nothing special.

"Sosuke."

...You have GOT to be kidding me.

"Well do you have any supplies for him? I think that was next on the list."

"Of course," Hana smiled, excited that we were taking the devil's spawn out of her shelter, "you can have those on the house too!"

..

..

..

P.S. The BMW m6 was NOT a dog transporting car.

..

..

..

"Come on Ino!"

"No, I refuse!"

"But you _have_ to Porker, dogs aren't allowed inside and Sosuke-kun doesn't really like you..."

"I will NOT go in there and buy Icha Icha Paradise, what if someone sees me touching that, that _filth_?"

"Fine, I guess you'll have to stay in here _alone_ with Sosuke-kun then."

*insert threatening snarl here*

"...Curse you, and you're little dog too."

..

..

..

"How the hell does he expect us to buy 500 bucks when we started out with 100!"

"...We could buy some fake money from dollar tree."

"Well what about a chicken?"

"I'm sure they have some rubber ones SOMEWHERE in that store."

"Oh...TO DOLLAR TREE!"

..

..

..

"A flat screen TV, is he serious!"

"...We could steal one."

"INO!"

"Well it was just a suggestion!"

..

..

..

"Okay Sosuke-kun, you go scare them off and we'll swipe their BigMac off the park bench."

"Sakura, don't be stupid. He has no idea what you-"

-BARKBARKBARK-

*insert screaming civilians here*

"...You were saying Mizz Piggy?"

"How many more things are on that dang list?"

"Only a few more."-smile-

..

..

..

"I don't give a crap about you're friggin' inheritance, you are NOT bringing a CACTUS any where near my car!"

"Really now? Cause I think Sosuke-kun would say otherwise..."

"...Are you _threatening_ to sick your horse on me?"

"I don't know, _am_ I?"

"You're ABOUT to get the hell outta my car."

"Then how will I get back to otosama's house with all this crap!"

"I don't know, ride Sosuke!"

..

..

..

"Okay, the last thing on the list is a gingerbread man cookie."

"Really? Let me see."

"Uh, eyes on the road, you're driving!"

..

..

..

"Heh heh, sucker."

"What?"

"Uh nothing, you're still driving remember!"

* * *

**_Cookie question: What was the name of the place Sakura bought Sosuke? Answer and get a virtual gingerbread man cookie and the end of the next chapter!_**

**_Last Chapter's Winners:_**

_ThE sLeEpInG DrEaMeR (2 because of the one from the last chapter too ;D)_

_justmebutterfreetoo_

_tigers-and-dragons (The medical equipment one)_

_MyMasIsGrowingHeavy_

_Lunarious1000_

_Ninja Kitten Goes RAWR (2 for you too XD)_

_KumikoX3chan_

_dattebayo4321_

_CherryBlossom235_

_Pop'n'Lock7 _

_cherry-blossom-101_

_Mizz Hime-Sama_

_**If I forgot anyone, let me know and I'll send you one personally. ;D**  
_


	7. Sosuke's World

**_Okay, so my little psycho dog Scooby ran away the other day._**

**_Of course he came back, but his absence inspired this bonus chapter about *insert drum roll here*_**

**_SOSUKE! You guessed it. XD_**

**_It won't be as long as a regular chapter cause this is just like a filler/extra thingymabob.  
_**

**_This chap will be split up in little parts that are kinda just random scenes of him doing stuff. lmao  
_**

_**

* * *

**_

**_ePiKk FaLe_**

_"Because Pig," I said calmly, "I accidentally told Uchiha Sasuke,_

_AKA my BOSS that I think he's gay to his face and now he's out to reap my immortal soul."_

_"...Yeah, I get THAT, but why do you have to hide out in MY house?"_

_**Chapter Seven: **_Sosuke's World

_

* * *

_

If there was ONE thing Sosuke knew for sure, it was that he was quite obviously, the shiznit.

I mean, if _God_ had a _dog_, it would totally be him.

..

..

..

Like, seriously.

Of course since he throughly believed (With good reason too) that the universe indeed revolved around him; he expected to get what he wanted _when_ he wanted it.

...I'm sure you can see why living with the oh so busy, oh so _dense_ Haruno Sakura would be a problem for him.

Still, Sosuke was perfectly willing to try and make this relationship work. (It was either that or get the needle. How was he supposed to continue gracing the world with his wonderfulness if he DIED hmm?) Instead of getting angry and nipping her ankles when she forgot to feed him, he simply pushed his food bowl to her feet and waited politely for her to finish whatever task she was engaged in.

Unfortunately for him, she had been washing dishes at the time and thought he'd wanted it cleaned.

"Oh of course I'll wash your bowl for you Sosuke-kun!" She plucked it happily from the floor and dropped it into the sink; stopping to scratch him behind the ears beforehand.

...Damn.

Sosuke went to brood in a corner.

**_ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe_**

The next morning when Sosuke awoke to a food dish that still looked very much empty, he was completely flabbergasted. (And pissed beyond words.) What did she think he was, a Nintendog? She couldn't just enter the restart code once he STARVED TO DEATH. With a huff, he picked up the dark blue bowl with his name inscribed on the front (In gold; be jealous suckas.) and marched purposefully toward Sakura's room.

You would think after he jumped on her stomach and smacked her in the face with said bowl; she would've gotten the memo. Instead she began to spazz about how she was late for a place called "work" and how Sasuke was gonna kill her or something.

He watched her run around getting dressed impatiently.

"You're such a good doggy!" She cried, kissing him on the head.

Well he's hungry too dammit!

"I'll see you in a few hours!"

Wait, did she say hou-SLAM-.

Sosuke stared incredulously at the door that Sakura had SLAMMED IN HIS FACE.

...This simply would not do.

After a few minutes if wallowing in his own self pity, he decided to go find some food himself...as soon as he found a way outside that is. He grinned (Or at least he would have if he weren't a dog) when he found a window Sakura had forgotten to close in her bedroom.

Heh heh, score.

**_ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe_**

Sosuke hated children.

He didn't very much care for anyone at all, but _toddlers_? They were just the WORST. They pulled on his ears and stepped on his tail and spit in his eyes and UGH; they were just little barbarians!

It was just his luck that he ended up at a _daycare_ of all places, and that the little monsters were all _conveniently_ outside at once. He should've turned tail and ran, but a dog of his stature would NEVER sink that low. I mean, he DID have his pride after all.

"Doggy."

Sosuke snapped his head to the side; nearly jumping out of his skin when a little boy appeared suddenly at his side. He glared in hopes of scaring the child away but it was too late. Within seconds, he was surrounded on all sides.

**_ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe_**

When Sosuke finally managed to escape the giggly nightmare, his smooth silky fur was sticking out in multiple directions.

-sniff-Oh the horror!

He flashed one more dejected look at his reflection in the store window before slinking off in a random direction that he hoped would take him somewhere with chicken.

Of course, it didn't work out like that.

Instead he ended up wandering upon a cookout, which would've been fine with him if the picnickers hadn't chased him out the park with sharp grilling objects.

Nice right?

**_ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe_**

Sosuke stood cautiously in front of Bobo's ice cream truck.

Despite the images of dancing hotdogs and ice cream cones, he had yet to see a customer leave with anything edible. Instead, they carried away things like shoes and bags; he squinted. Was that...fake hair?

He turned to leave cause obviously there was some freaky stuff going on here. Sadly, Bobo caught sight of him before he could.

"Hey little doggy, do you know how much I could sale you for?"

He grinned; Sosuke bailed.

**_ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe ePiKk FaLe_**

Sakura arrived home around 4pm, staring worriedly at Sosuke's fatigued form stretched out on the carpet as soon as she stepped inside.

"Are you alright boy?" She knelt beside him but he didn't respond.

"Ne Sasuke, I think something is wrong with my dog!"

Sosuke's lip twitched.

_Sasuke_ was the one that made Sakura leave this morning, which meant _everything_ was _Sasuke's_ fault, so when _Sasuke_ stepped through the door to see what was wrong...

He bit him.

* * *

**_Zokay, instead of asking for cookies, how about a chance to be friends? =D_**

**_Answer this question right and I'll send you the link to my facebook if you want it. (Just let me know who you are so I'lll accept you. XD)_**

**_Question: How did Sosuke get outside?_**

**_I dun have enough time to type out last chaps winners but you guys know who you are! XD  
_**


	8. Demon Slayer

**_...I hate school.  
_**

**_I have an exam AND homework everyday, my mum is going to school online so she needs one of the laptops, my bro broke the other, and our PC is crap with a capitol K._**

**_(Not to mention that me weekends are eaten alive by band)_**

**_Any-who, this is actually good for you because the story will be longer since I've had more time to think up ideas! =D_**

**_Also, I deleted my facebook because of some...issues with someone sooo yah; you guys totally have an I OWE U hanging over my head. XD_**

**_WARNING: IS NOT VERY LONG BECAUSE I HAD A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME AND WANTED TO GET AN UPDATE TO YOU GUYS.  
_**

**_

* * *

_**

**_ePiKk FaLe_**

_"Because Pig," I said calmly, "I accidentally told Uchiha Sasuke,_

_AKA my BOSS that I think he's gay to his face and now he's out to reap my immortal soul."_

_"...Yeah, I get THAT, but why do you have to hide out in MY house?"_

_**Chapter Eight: **Demon Slayer_

* * *

Sasuke scowled up at me from his position on the bed.

He was wrapped mummy style in covers up to his chin, and had been struggling to find a way to flip me off for the last half hour. As unbelievable as this occurrence may seem, I actually found he tantrum kind of...cute.

...Oh my gawd, I must be sick too.

"Gib da heb outta ma room bit!" (1)

Normally I would've come up with some awesomesauce comeback but today? I just laughed.

And laughed and laughed and LAUGHED.

"Seriously, you look like Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, who do you think you're intimidating Sasuke? You can barely talk coherently."

His scarlet, irritated nose winkled in distaste and he attempted to glare me down but it just wasn't working out since his eyes were red and swollen.

"Jut go ab leab me to wabow in sep-pity dom it!" (2)

I tapped my chin thoughtfully. "Now...I COULD do that, but this is MUCH more fun."

His scowl deepened.

"Da dinor ib in a houber and youb ib 'posed to be tokin' mah plass." (3)

Oh yeahhhhh, that.

The Hyuga Clan was hosting large banquet in honor of the opening of yet ANOTHER chain of top-notch martial arts dojos. Everyone who's anyone where clans are involved was invited. (So Hiashi says, we all know he only invited people he didn't like so he could rub his success in their faces.) The Uchiha Clan had been asked _personally_ to attend, so it would look bad if Fugaku didn't accept graciously. (Even though he really itched to tell "That uptight, lying, girly man" where he could shove his invitation.) Sasuke was supposed to attend, but due to his unexpected illness, could not. Fugaku _insisted_ I take his place.

...Creepily suspicious, I know.

"Why does your Otou want me to go so bad anyways? I'm _technically _not an Uchiha and your presence wasn't specifically asked for."

Yes ladies and gents, I was smelling some fish near-by and they WEREN'T Tilapia.

"Hob shud I knoe! Jut LEAB sob I can gib sum slep!" (4)

I rolled my eyes. "Fine, I'm going. Only because I don't want to catch anything from you." I held my nose as if I were suddenly worried about contracting his illness even though I'd been harassing him for a while.

"Gib mah sum abble jupce on da weh out." (5)

Psh, yeah right.

..

..

..

Bastard.

* * *

The ride to the Hyuga estate was...odd to say the least. Fugaku kept telling me how happy he was that I could come and spouting some other jazz about not being able to wait til I was an official member of the family. If that wasn't worrying enough, Mikoto kept throwing me pitying glances like I was about to be sacrificed into a volcano or something.

...Yah, CREEEEPY.

After about an hour of that, we pulled up to a pair of large iron gates that probably cost more than my car, and apartment, and heck; even me! (Not that I was cheap or anything, I gets mah monay. ;D)

A blast of cold air cut through my thin red tube dress as I slid out of the limo last. I almost got left behind because I stopped to stare longingly at the driver, Takeshi, and think dirty thoughts as he drove away with the heat.

_'I smite thee, SMITE THEE I SAY! May you be cursed to an eternity in Hell, how's THAT for heat huh?'_

I swear we had to walk eight miles up the blasted front steps just to reach the door, and then another five to get to the ballroom. (Yeah I said it, they have a _ballroom_.) As if sensing our presence, Hyuga Hiashi appeared in front of us as soon as we set foot into the room.

"Fugaku my dear friend, so wonderful you could make it!" He offered a tight-lipped smile.

Actual Translation: "You didn't get hit by a truck on the way over here? Too bad."

"Oh yes, I wouldn't miss this night for anything!" Fugaku replied with a strained grin of his own.

Actual Translation: "Of course I came, I was hoping there would be an assassination attempt on your life while I was here."

"Where IS your handsome son Fugaku, he did come didn't he?"

Actual Translation: "I bet he's off giving someone The Clap. Psh, virgin my ace of spades."

"He's come down with a last minute cold I'm afraid. I did manage to pull his fiancee away from his side long enough for your dinner." Fugaku grabbed me by the arm and practically SLUNG me forward. "It is my _pleasure _to introduce Ms. Haruno Sakura, soon to be UCHIHA Sakura."

Actual Translation: "Suck. It."

Hiashi's lip twitched slightly. "Very nice to meet you HARUNO-san."

Actual Translation: "She isn't an Uchiha yet."

"You'll be sharing a table with my nephew if that's alright with you." He nodded to the far left corner of the room man with long, coffee brown hair sat with his back to us. Feeling as if I had no other choice, (Cause I really didn't) I walked to my doom...

Or maybe not.

The guy was HOT. Like, with a side of sexy-sauce and I-wanna-eat-you-alive soda. (He was also the guy I had accidentally called a girl that time at Hina-chan's house but he probably didn't even remember that...*cough*)

He got up to pull the chair out for me, something Sasuke would never EVER do. If anything, the man-whore would make HER pull out HIS seat.

"Thank you..."

"Hyuga Neji," he took my hand and kissed it lightly, "but Neji is just fine." I had to take a minute to stop my inner gushing before I could give my own name.

"Hmm, a beautiful name for a beautiful lady."

Gawd, I'd be Jell-O at his feet by the time the night was over.

We talked nonstop for the next couple of hours, exchanging opinions on the different dishes and other mundane things, when I noticed a few things. He was being extra nice while at the same time managing to act mysterious and smother her with his alluring lilac eyes.

"Are you...trying to seduce me?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Is it working?"

...Hell yes it's friggin' working!

I decided to take the safest route I could think of.

..

..

..

I took out the oatmeal raisin cookie I'd smuggled inside from my bra and threw it a him.

"I SMITE THEE VILE DEMON FROM HELL!"

..

..

..

* * *

_**Cookie Question: Does the store Dollar Tree ACTUALLY exist? Someone asked me if it did, and I was wondering what you guys thought. Everyone who answers will get a Oatmeal Raisin cookie in the next chap! (The cookie list will start up again XD)  
**_

_**1) "Get the hell out of my room bitch!"  
**_

_**2) "Just go and leave me alone to wallow in self-pity dammit!"  
**_

_**3) "The dinner is in an hour and you're supposed to be taking my place."  
**_

_**4) "How the hell should I know? Just leave so I can get some sleep!"**_

_**5) "Get me some apple juice on the way out."  
**_


	9. Hay Thur

**_myfavoriteloser flexed her fingers as she stared at the blank mircrosoft word document._**

**_After her bajilion year Hiatus, she had some bad news for her dear reviewers._**

_Life has been pretty hard on me lately_**_, she started._**

_It's kinda been going downhill since my last update. _

_My aunt died, two of my cousins are in jail (One on life without parole), one of my OTHER aunt's was in the hospital not too long ago..._

_.._

_.._

_.._

_...And someone I don't even know drove into my yard and ran over my mother fucking cat after she went outside to take a nap in the grass._

_(There are a few other things I could tell you, but I don't really feel like putting ALL of my business online, just enough to paint a general picture for you guys.)_

_.._

_.._

_.._

_Nice right?_

_However, I know you guys are waiting on me so instead of quitting all together, I'll do a poll._

_I'm only going to continue one, maybe two stories. I'm putting a poll up on my profile right after posting this message on all my stories._

_The Untold Stories is not in the running because I'm making that into an actual novel as something to do in my free time._

_If you want your fav story of mine to win, then VOTE VOTE VOTE._

_Originally I was going to close the poll on April1st but since I have continously recieved an error code while trying to post this, I updated late. I've moved it to April11th._

_I might continue the other stories if I have time after finishing the winners. I'll make sure to save them in case._

**_myfavoriteloser leaned back in her computer chair and sighed._**

**_Hopefully they weren't TOO disappointed..._**


	10. DayQuil

**_HAI YOU GUYS!_**

**_Things have gotten waay better since I left my author's note, I've taken up art and it's helped me out._**

**_So anyway, here's the chapter I promised and with a special treat. We get to see Sasuke's point of view._**

**_This should be interesting ne?_**

**_Oh, and this is only like, a third of the original chapter but there was an epic cliffie that I just couldn't resist! _**

**_I'll post the next part pretty soon, tomorrow maybe if enough of you guys read this one. (I wouldn't want my cliffie to go to waste now would I?)_**

**_Sorry in advance for any mistakes, I typed this on Notepad. xDD_**

* * *

**_ePiKk FaLe_**

_"Because Pig," I said calmly, "I accidentally told Uchiha Sasuke,_

_AKA my BOSS that I think he's gay to his face and now he's out to reap my immortal soul."_

_"...Yeah, I get THAT, but why do you have to hide out in MY house?"_

_**Chapter Nine: **DayQuil_

* * *

"-Now for the REAL question on everyone's mind, is Uchiha Sasuke's fiance ON CRACK? From that performance at the Huyga's Dinner last night, I would have to say-"

I quickly turned off E-News before I could hear my reputation being completely slaughtered. I guess you could say it was my own fault. I should've known better than to send her to that dinner be herself. (My parents are old and senile, they don't count), but my head had been hurting and my face was aching and I'd just wanted everyone to leave me alone so I could brood in peace.

..

..

..

...No, not pout, _brood_, there's a difference. I'm too dignified fo-ACHOO!

...Dammit.

I grabbed a tissue and blew my irritated nose angrily.

"Dom ha, dom Nebi, dom da Hoogas, dom dis cole, DOM DA HO MUDA BUKEN-" (1)

"Oh stop it Sasuke, you're being a baby." I glared as the pink-haired bane of my existence sauntered into my room with a bottle of DayQuil in one hand, a spoon in the other, and a damn annoying smile on her face. How. Friggin'. Dare. She.

...And who the hell uses _spoons_ to give cough medicine anymore anyways?

"Gib out befoh I kib yuh."(2) I replied with my infamous Uchiha Glare, and do you know what she did?

..

..

..

Go ahead, guess.

..

..

..

Ugh, you're slow as hell, I'm just going to tell you.

She LAUGHED...in my FACE...and called me **_CUTE_**. I am NOT cute dammit! I'm intimidating and, and-

ACHOO!

"Aww," Sakura cooed as I shook my head to get rid of the wooziness (Yah, not my _best_ idea..), "does wittle Sasu-cakes want me to wipe his wittle buggars?" She shifted the spoon to her right hand and reached for the box of Kleenex sitting on my night stand, but I smacked her hand back in place. There was NO WAY I was letting that crazy bitch anywhere NEAR my snot.

"That was very naughty Sasu-cakes." she waggled her finger in my face...so I snapped at it with my teeth. I could see the corners of her wide smile twitch, but her eyes never lost their amused shine.

"I think a certain _someone_ should take their medicine so they can sleep away some of that grumpinessssss!"

I growled and turned my head from her, keeping my mouth firmly shut when she tried to shove a spoonful of DayQuil down my throat.

"Oh come on Sasuke, open wide for the airplane, VROOM VROOM!" I rolled my eyes.

"Dats a cah sownd dum ab-"(3) she had the spoon in my mouth before my period could even come out. (Erm...Just...Nevermind. '-_-)

"That's a good boy, now SWALLOW." I totally intended to spit it out all over her grinning face (I mean, who did she think I was, SOSUKE?)...but I swallowed by accident

"Now since you've been a good little boy," she wiggled her eyebrows at me, "how about some special cookies for my special little man?"

Uh...pedophile much?

"...Wut kinb ob coobies?" (4) I mumbled, trying to look disinterested. (Thee Uchiha Sasuke is not supposed to DO cookies.)

Apparently the fact that I only _implied_ that I may have _possibly_ wanted on of her cookies sent her soaring to the ceiling.

..

..

..

How suspicious. -insert narrow eyed glare here-

"I'll go get them from the kitchen!...Oh, and I'll totally clean up that mess I made."

"Wut me-"(5) she quickly disappeared from my room as if she _hadn't_ heard me asking a question when she _definitely _had.

..

..

..

That whore better hope her cookies are good.

Sakura came back with a large silver platter (Wtf, when did I get THAT?) of the most delicious looking chocolate chip cookies I'd ever seen in my life!

...I mean, not that I _like_ cookies or like, any _other_ sweets for that matter, but if I _did_ then I'd be cursing my stupid nose for being too stopped up to smell their chocolately deliciousness.

...Theoretically speaking of course.

Instead of snatching the tray and devouring all the cookies at once (Like I _would've_ done if I _liked_ them) I CALMLY reached out and took ONE. I brought it slowly to my mouth, parted my lips, and then lowered it back down.

"Ib con eab wit yuh bib doh eybs stahwing ab meh." (6) I huffed annoyedly. Sakura squeaked a meek "Sorry" before blinking away her creepy, sparkling chibi eyes. "Total my bad." Well dur, who's bad did she think it was, MINE?

Deciding to ignore her, I raised the cookie to my mouth again and took a big bite, expecting my taste buds to go on a magically journey of self-discovery (And mayber even find romance and friendship along the way), but that is NOT what happened. Instead they choked and died on contact; the only survivors of the intial attack committing suicide because they could no longer see the meaning in life.

...The cookie was fucking disgusting.

I threw the cookie onto my comforter with a scowl. "Wut da heb are yuh twyin' to do, KIB MEH!" (7)

Sakura jutted out her lip. "I'm sure they aren't _that _bad." she defended. NOT THAT BAD? Those thing taste like DEATH.

"Fon den, wha dun yuh twy un?" (8)

"Fine, I WILL!" but she didn't. She just eyed the platter of demon cookies cautiously, as if she'd already thought they were going to be horrible and my reaction just confirmed it. I narrowed my eyes.

"Sakoowah, wut da buck dib yuh dob to dese coobies?" (9)

All I remembered seeing was her guilty expression before everything went black.

* * *

**_I know you guys missed this, COOKIE QUESTION TIME!: What onomatopoeia did Sakura use for her plane? Answer and you get a chocolatechip cookie at the end of the next chapter! :DD_**

**_1) "Damn her, damn Neji, damn the Huygas, damn this cold, DAMN THE WHOLE FUCKING-"_**

**_2) "Get out before I kill you."_**

**_3) "That's a car sound dumb ass"_**

**_4) "...What kind of cookies?"_**

**_5) "What mes-"_**

**_6) "I can't eat with your big doe eyes staring at me."_**

**_7) "What the hell are you trying to do, KILL ME!"_**

**_8) "Fine then, why don't you try one."_**

**_9) "Sakura, what the fuck did you do to these cookies?"_**


	11. DayQuil II: Like Paper Planes

**_Hey you guysss!_**

**_I was going to update yesterday but since ALL THREE of our laptops are somehow unable to get online,_**

**_FIVE people are currently vying for the PC that I usually have all to myself. '-_-_**

**_The LAST part to DayQuil will be coming soon, and shall feature everyone's favorite character, SOSUKE!_**

**_(P.S. Still using word pad, haha. I actually tried to find a Beta to save your eyes buuuuut it didn't work out.)_**

**_Keep those review coming guys, we're almost at 200!_**

* * *

**_ePiKk FaLe_**

_"Because Pig," I said calmly, "I accidentally told Uchiha Sasuke,_

_AKA my BOSS that I think he's gay to his face and now he's out to reap my immortal soul."_

_"...Yeah, I get THAT, but why do you have to hide out in MY house?"_

_**Chapter Ten: **DayQuil II: Like Paper Planes_

* * *

"Becareful you dunderhead," I snapped at the large kidnapper guy that was trying to shove Sasuke into the back of our suspicious white van, "if you break his neck and kill him then I can't call in a ransome!"

"It's not my fault he's so damn _heavy,"_ he paused to stare lovingly at Sasuke's face, "Sasu-chan is sooo muscular I just wanna touch his-"

"LALALALA, I CAN'T HEAR YOU," I screamed, plugging my ears with my pointer fingers, "STFU AND PUT HIM IN THE FATHER BANGING VAN!"

Mr. Kidnapper Dude rolled his eyes and _finally_ tossed Sasuke's bound form into the back seat.(Pausing to stare at his ass that was conviently up in the hair) Heh heh, that'll teach HIM to try and force ME to do anything for him against my will ever again. BWUHAHAHAHAHA!

..

..

..

Now my dear imaginary auidence inside my head, I bet you're going...Wow...WTF is wrong with myfavoriteloser the imaginary author of my imaginary biography inside my head, where the HELL did THAT come from? Well lovelies...she just wanted to mess with you guys since you reacted to the cliffy so hilarious like, that's sooooo not what happened.

The REAL reason why Sasuke passed out after eating my cookies is because...well...I _may_ have knocked a bottle...or two...or like, TWELVE -cough-, of medicine into my cookie dough.

See, the FIRST time was a _total _accident. I'd left an open bottle of DayQuil right next to my mixing bowl while I went to get a spoon, and ended up smaking it with my elbow. Then I was like, OH EM FRIGGIN' GEE MY COOKIE DOUGH IS ORANGE! So I got all excited and added another bottle so it'll be oranger but then I realized OMMNC, WHAT IF HE OVERDOSES OR SOMETHING? So I added two bottles of NyQuil to cancle out the DayQuil because they're opposites so OBVIOUSLY they'll cancle each other out, like, durrr, but blue and orange are commplimentary colors so they turned my cookie dough BROWN. How _boring_ is that, brown cookie dough? So I kept adding NyQuil until it turned blue since that's Sasuke's favorite color but then realized, WHO THE HELL WOULD EAT BLUE COOKIES? So I kept adding DayQuil until they turned back brown!

So yeah, Sasuke passed out, but now he's awake and high as a kite.

..

..

..

...And did I mention that he was jumping up and down on the bed giggling like a little kid? Cuz that's totally what's going on right now.

"Sasuke, get down from there RIGHT NOW!"

"NO," he screamed and began jumping faster, "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"

"Sasuke you're going to hurt your-"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!" he threw a pillow at my face. Oh. Hell. No.

"Sasuke, if you don't get your ass down now I'm gonna go up there an-"

"My name is NOT Sasuke, that's such a stupid name! STUPIDSTUPIDSTUPIDSTUPID-"

"Okay FINE, what do you want to be called?" I moaned, messaging my (_Normalsized_) forehead. If Sasuke was like this as a child, I dunno how his parents didn't just shoot themselves in the face to end their own misery. He stopped jumping and looked towards the ceiling with his face all scrunched up, like a toddler thinking really hard about something completely ridiculous but none of the adults want to say so cuz they know the kid will start crying and stuff.

"...OHH, I KNOW," he began bouncing excitedly, knocking navy-blue comforters and sheets from his bed, "I WANT TO BE CALLED MAGICAL FAIRY PRINCESS NINJA!" (AN::I forced one of my friends to call me that once and refused to acknowledge him unless he did, but answered to my REAL name when anyone else called. It was awesome. xDD)

Whoaaa, hold the phone, did he just say _Magical Fairy Princess Ninja? _I don't think so.

"There is no way in Hell I'm calling you that." He jutted out his lip and made his eyes get all big and sparkly but I wasn't falling for his faux cuteness...I won't lie, I totally almost did though. (It's sooo not fair how a grown man can pull off the puppy-dog eyes that well without looking creepy. -pouts-)

"Why?" he whined, drawing out the "Y" sound until he ran out of breath and was gulping for air.

"Because it's GAY!" I'm talking stereotypical I-Love-Rainbows-And-Ponies gay, not the REAL Oh-My-Gawd-You're-Hot-And-Sweet-Why-Can't-You-Be-STRAIGHT gay, like most gay guys seem to be nowadays. -superpout-

Sasuke growled, but it wasn't one of those kind of cute growls little kids do. It was a low, scary, _animalistic_ growl that made me inch towards the door a little bit. Wtf, was he friggin' HIGH or som-

...Oh yeeeeah...hee hee hee.

He tried to throw another pillow at my face but I dodged at the last second. Heh heh, that's right, you can't touch this, DIS IS THE FUCKEN MATRIX FO-

...He just hit me in the stomach, that bastard. (Seriously, who has this many pillows, there are still like, FIVE on his bed!)

"I won't stop jumping until you call me Magical Fairy Princess Ninja!" Sasuke announced, plopping down on the bed and crossing his arms to show how immovable he was. I decided to indulge him before he realized he was doing _exactly_ what I wanted him to in the first place.

"I'm so sorry...Magical Fairy Princess Ninja," I cooed, taking slow steps towards the bed, ready to pounce if need be, "I just wanted you to stop jumping so we could...urm...play a game!" his eyes widened.

"A Game?" ...didn't I just say that dumbass?

"Yes, an EXTREMELY FUN AND DESTRUCTIVE GAME." his whole face lit up and he began bouncing on his butt.

" I wanna play, I wanna play!"

"You have to be still first or you can't play, it's the rules,"he immediately stopped moving, but I could tell from the way he kept squirming that it killed him to sit still, "very good. Now you stay here while I go get that rope and ducktape I saw in the closet downstairs." Heh heh, stupid little fudger.

..

..

..

So apparently he's not as stupid as I thought because when I came back he was gone.

For a minute I just kind of gaped at the empty bed, then panic started to set in. What if he'd wandered outside? He's all high and stuff, what if some fangirl sees him and tries to rape him? Or even worse, PAPARAZZI!

..

..

..

...I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you LOVE me Pa-Pa-Paparazzi!

..

..

..

Sorry I couldn't help myself, heh heh. xDD

"Okay Sakura, deep breaths. You were only gone for like, two minutes, he couldn't have gotten far." that's when Sasuke decided to jump out of the bathroom connected to his room, screaming like a banshee and waving his arms in the air like a psycho.

"OH MY GAMBIT WHAT'S _WRONG_ WITH YOU, I COULD HAVE _DIED_!" I cried, whirling around and clutching my heart...but there was something kind of off about how he was looking at me. "Um, Sa-I mean Magical Fairy Princess Ninja, what are you doing?"

He stepped forward, an I's-Gonna-Rape-Yewwww- smile on his face. "You look soooo _sexy_ when you're scared Sakura-chan, I could just _eat you all up_." Umm...where the hell did innocent little child Sasuke go?

"That's err...very nice Sasuke. Now If you don't mind, I'm going to flee the room, bye." as I turned to run, he picked me up, flung me over his shoulder, and took me over to the bed where he then dropped me and proceeded to climb on top of me.

"Look Sasuke, I'm flattered, really, but maybe you should like, STOP tryting to rape me and lay down so you can sleep off all these meds OH MY GAWD YOU'RE KISSING MY NECK, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!"

"Mm," he purred, "you taste like Oreo's." and then he licked me. ALL the way up my friggin' neck. " Remember how I gave all the maids a few days off while I get better Sakura-chan? We have the WHOLE house to our-A BIRDEEE!" he jumped up and ran the balcony on the left side of his bed (The bathroom is to the far right of his big arse room).

"Come back birdee!" he cried, leaning dangerously over the railing.

"Sasuke, stop before you fall!" He looked back at me and grinned.

"Don't worry Sakura-chan, I can fly, watch!"

And his dumbass jumped over the edge.

* * *

**_I know you guys missed this, COOKIE QUESTION TIME!: What do you think OMMNC mean? Answer correctly and you get an Oreo at the end of the next chapter! :DD (You can request Vanilla if you dun like original.) _**

**_I've answered a few of your questions that I think a lot of other people probably have. :DD_**

_Last Chapter's Winners_

_SilenceIsTheKey: So many questions young grasshopper! Everyone knew about what happened because the Hyuga's are a wealthy, famous clan, meaning they only invite OTHER wealthy famous clans to their annual dinner. Any half-wit reporter would be all over that. xDD_

_DarkShadowSakura_

_Evil-Chibi-Tiffy: That darling, is because there barely is a plot. xDD This story is basically just random things that happen during Sakura and Sasuke's "engagement." I also throw in a few just to make you guys laugh, like the scavenger hunt, Sosuke's World, and the texting chapter._

_Tsuki no Sakura-11_

_filipinochick_


	12. DayQuil III: Sosuke Rulez, Sasuke Droolz

**_HOLY CRAP, WE PASSED 200!_**

**_You guys friggin' rock, if I knew who the 200th reviewer was, we'd get married...like, for serious._**

**_Anyways, I looked at the calender and saw what day it was. I shut myself away from my family and hunched over the keyboard typing away so I could post in time for Sasuke's birthday!_**

**_I'm also going to be posting a one-shot in honor of his birthday soon, maybe tomorrow or late tonight, so be on the look out!_**

**_To clear things up, Sakura didn't REALLY kidnap Sasuke in the last chapter. You guys all seemed to think she did after the cliffie so I just threw that in there for a laugh. (Gay kidnapper dude ftw! xDD)_**

**_Sosuke is going to dominate most of this chapter, I was kind of surprised when you guys asked because I'd kind of missed writing about him too so I manipulated the plot of this chapter so I could feature him. haha_**

**_This was a mega rush job, so there are probably like, a thousand mistakes. xDD_**

* * *

**_ePiKk FaLe_**

_"Because Pig," I said calmly, "I accidentally told Uchiha Sasuke,_

_AKA my BOSS that I think he's gay to his face and now he's out to reap my immortal soul."_

_"...Yeah, I get THAT, but why do you have to hide out in MY house?"_

* * *

I officially hate Uchiha Sasuke.

I mean, I only kinda sorta disliked him before, but I could totally get over that because he's one sexay piece of man candy. Now, however, I do not believe there is enough deliciousness in the world to make up for me having to wander around the _entire_ city _on foot_ in _stilettos_ looking for his high arse. So I bet you're going: "Hey, you're the one that hyped him up on cough syrup, it's your OWN fault."

Well screw you, you're MY imaginary audience, you should be on MY side dammit!

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...Zomg, he used his vampire powers to brainwash you like Damon did to Caroline on "The Vampire Diaries" didn't he? (Honestly, I didn't see what the problem was. Damon is perhaps the sexiest being I've ever seen on tv, I would've just shut my happy self up and let him bite me all he wanted. ;DD)

Hah, I bet you were expecting a "Twilight" reference right? Well WRONG, I have seen the light and moved over to the "Vampire Diaries" side. Their vampires are like, waaaaay hotter and let's be honest, the only reason people even watch that kind of stuff is so they can ogle at all the beautifulness. Like, they even try to find gorgeous people to play the plain old humans (i.e. Nina Dobrev and Katerina Graham can both go die in a ditch somewhere T_T). It makes me wonder why no one has hit me up and been like: "Yo, you wanna come be on our show and get yourself a fake vampire boyfriend that doesn't _actually_ eat girl scouts cuz you know, you're one sexay piece of azz." I can even act too, watch!

Ahem...ROMEO ROMEO, LET DOWN YOU HAIR! See how awesome that was? And then you have to pretend like you're actually climbing up Romeo's hair, which I did. Heh heh, too bad I was in the middle of the street so I looked a tad bit insane-ish...

...Oh, and I almost got hit by a car cuz the light turned green and I was still just standing there, moving my arms up and down like I was scaling a rope.

Luckily, I was wearing an uber awesome disguise to fool the paparazzi, so all the passer-by's saw was some crazy chick in a huge trench coat wearing an over-sized sun hat, large clown shades, and red stilettos. I waved nervously to the growing line of cars whose drivers all looked like they wanted to rip me to pieces, quickly scurrying my happy behind out the way before one of them tried to run me over.

That's it, if I don't find Sasuke in the next FIVE SECONDS then I'm just gonna go back home...to his place so I can chill his hot-tub. I mean, he'd make it back _eventually_ right? If a dog can do it, then a so called "genius" should have no problem.

I turned on my heel, nodding in agreement with my own hypothesis, intending to wait patiently for the "DON'T WALK" light to change back. Too bad two very heavy objects crashed into me from behind. My hat and shades flew off as the three of us tumbled into the intersection. The oncoming car screeched loudly to a stop. The driver rolled down his window to scream _nice words of encouragement_ at us...like "MOVE YOUR ASS BEFORE I RUN IT OVER!"

I opened my eyes just in time to see Sasuke throw his arms around my neck, yelling in my ear about how much he missed me, and Sosuke glaring at him from under us like he wanted nothing more than for the dark-haired man to simply drop dead.

"Ne Sakura-chan, you know Sasuke-teme?" wtf, where did Naruto come from, and when did he get a Golden Retriever?

….What the hell did I miss here?

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* * *

_**Chapter Eleven: **DayQuil III: Sosuke Rulez, Sasuke Droolz_

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Sosuke had put up with a whole lot of crap in his short stay with Sakura, but this was just the last straw.

He would _not_ allow himself to be dropped off at a doggy day-care center, he simply refused.

His eye twitched as his _companion _(she didn't own him dammit, he was his own man...erm...in a sense...) pulled up to the Hokage Day-Care Center for Dogs. Its sign was bright and obnoxious, with pictures of dancing dog treats and frolicking puppies. There was no way in hell he was staying here.

He let her hook him to his leash and lead him from the passenger seat of her car to the front doors. Sosuke didn't mind allowing her to indulge herself with foolish delusions for the time being, as long as she knew what was what when it really mattered.

Like for instance, when she went to hand over his leash to the woman at the front desk after signing him in. He growled lowly at the day-care worker, who immediately snatched her hand back and eyed him warily.

"Sosuke-kun," Sakura cried, "that was very naughty!" well duh, that was the whole point. If he were human, he'd roll his eyes, but since he wasn't, he fixed her with a look that practically screamed his disapproval. She sighed and got on her knees, clutching either side of his head in her hands.

"Ne, I know you'd rather be at home, but I'm going to be gone for a while. I'm not sure how long I'll be." Sosuke huffed and turned his head away, glaring at the wall over her arm. She scratched him behind the ears, hoping to ease his anger, but he wasn't buying what she was selling. That's right, she just got rejected by her own DOG. Sakura flinched slightly.

"I would take you with me Sosuke-kun, but you don't like Sasuke-kun very much." Sosukes' head immediately snapped back to stare at her incredulously. She was NOT choosing that, that DUCK-HAIRED FREAK over him was she? Sosuke was cuddly and cute and just down right _amazing_, it just didn't make sense!

"I'll be back before you know it." she kissed him on the forehead and, after reassuring the dark-haired woman that he would behave, handed him over while he was still in too much shock to move.

"Okay Sosuke," the woman chirped, quickly shoving her last macadamia nut cookie into her mouth, "let's go meet the others!" he looked to the left, where he could see the fenced off doorway leading into a large room, and the slobbering imbeciles inside.

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….Sosuke didn't _do_ fences and imbeciles.

"You don't want me to tell Sakura-san that you were bad when she comes to pick you up do you?" the dark-haired woman asked when he put up resistance. Oh, playing dirty was she? Well Sosuke could play dirty too. He followed her into the room like a good dog after she moved the gate aside and when she went to remove his leash, he rewarded her with a big, slobbery lick all the way up her face.

"That's was very sweet Sosuke," she cringed as she tried to smooth down her short hair that was now matted with dog saliva, "thank you." he wagged his tail and moved to do it again but she jerked her head out of the way.

"Don't want to make Sakura-san jealous now do we?"she patted him on the head. He sat there, watching her back "dejectedly" as she left, only to perk right back up when she was gone. Now it was time to find a way out of this popcicle stand so that he could save his poor, naive Sakura from the clutches of the evil Sir DuckAzz. He hadn't managed to take a step before a bright yellow golden retriever came bounding up to him, wearing a collar that said "Noruto." Oh hell, he smelled trouble.

Noruto crouched low and stuck his behind up in the air, tail wagging. Obviously he intended to play, but that wasn't on Sosuke's agenda.

Sosuke simply stared at him before trying to walk past. Unfortunately, this was the wrong course of action to take. Noruto sprang forward, tackling him to the floor. He took Sosuke snarling and shoving him off as an acceptance of his invitation to engage in activities on the fun variety. He shot off, intending to start a game of tag. He didn't notice when Sosuke slunk over to a secluded corner to scheme.

Things went pretty good for the next few hours. Desk Lady served lunch to everyone and Noruto continued to run around by himself like an idiot, thinking he was winning when in reality, he was actually just playing by himself. Sosuke was half way through his escape plan when things took a turn for the worse. A creepy man-woman with greasy black hair and extremely pale skin dropped off his snow white Chihuahua, Orichimaru. It all kind of went downhill after that.

Orichimaru instantly picked Sosuke out of the crowd, and sauntered over with his hips swaying in a very saucy fashion. Sosuke tried his best to get away, he really did, but Orichimaru realized his intention and sped up before the Great Dane could get himself out of the corner. The next 30 minutes of his life was spent trying to detach the Chihuahua from his leg, until Noruto saw. The Golden Retriever was absolutely furious. How dare that stupid _rat_ try to steal _his _best friend? Noruto then proceeded to try and rip Orichimaru to pieces. Sosuke slipped passed the gate and escaped through a bathroom window during all the chaos. Needless to say, he felt like the shiznit as he strutted down the street a free dog.

That is...until he realized he had no idea where he was going.

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Sosuke wandered aimlessly, until he had another close call with BoBo's ice cream truck. (I mean hello, he DID have tags!) Then he decided that it would be better to just wait somewhere safe for Sakura to find him. He was sniffing around a quint little tea-shop when a familiar scent wafted through his nostrils. He was suddenly knocked over from behind by a yellow blur.

...Noruto.

The Golden Retriever sat happily on Sosuke's back, wagging his tail and completely oblivious to the other dog's killer intent.

"COME BACK NORUTO!" an obnoxiously loud voice bellowed. They both looked up as a blonde came barreling around the corner, waving a bright orange leash in the air. He was out of breath and hunched over to grip his knees when he reached them.

"Do you have any idea how worried I was when the day-care called and told me you'd run away? I just got you yesterday, that would've been a crap load of money down the toilet! Do you know what I could've bought with that money? RAMEN THAT'S WHAT!" he somehow managed to screech whilst still being out of breath. Noruto looked rightfully guilty.

Sosuke wiggled from under him, attempting to put as much distance between himself and the two as he could before they decided to hug it out.

"Oh no you dont'," the blonde quickly pulled Sosuke's blue leash out of his pocket and clipped it onto the Great Dane's collar, "you're Sakura-chan's dog. She'd kill me if I let you get lost!" this _idiot_ knew _his _Sakura? Preposterous!

He moved to bite the living daylights out of idiot #2 when more familiar scents wafted throug his nose. He took off, snatching his leash out of the blonde's hand. The boy ran screaming after him with Noruto hot on his heels. Sosuke came up on a intersection, where he could see his dear, sweet Sakura waiting innocently to cross and Sir DuckAzz creeping up behind her, obviously up to something shady. He did what any loyal _companion_would do. He tackled the hell outta Sir DuckAzz; Sakura was an unintended causality.

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**_I know you guys missed this, COOKIE QUESTION TIME!: Who do you think the day-care lady is?Answer correctly and you get macadamia nut cookie at the end of the next chapter!_**

_Last Chapter's Winners_

_OMMNC means "Oh My Milk-n-Cookies." Anyone who attempted to answer gets an oreo so got nuts! -throws them in the air- xDD_


	13. The Not Really a Chapter

_**So yah,**_ **_I won't be continuing epikk fale anytime soon. I might at some other point in my life, but it certainly won't be right now. (Though I might write a chapter for you guys since my birthday is coming up if I feel like it cuz I'm nice like that)  
_**

**_ I have started another story called Planet Sasuke that you can read in the mean time if you like, and I might be posting a few more oneshots fairly soon. (For those of you that are Soulmates fans, they apparently took it down because the summary was inappropriate and the computer I backed it up on got a virus; sorry.)_**

**_And so this will technically be a chapter, here you go.  
_**

* * *

**_ePiKk FaLe_**

_**Summary: **"Because Pig," I said calmly, "I accidentally told Uchiha Sasuke, AKA my BOSS that I think he's gay to his face and now he's out to reap my immortal soul." "...Yeah, I get THAT, but why do you have to hide out in MY house?"_

_**The Not Really A Chapter: **_Headaches

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The next morning, Sakura woke up with a leprechaun in her bed, a dead unicorn shoved halfway into her closet, and a headache so bad that she went to sleep for like, two years, and time stood still because the world stopped spinning without her.

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**_There you go._**


End file.
